it has been a while since i last wrote about my thoughts. these days i walk quietly on the streets, enjoying the cool breeze caressing the features of my face slowly as i think things through. for some reason, i begin to appreciate these moments finding them an amazing blessing.

i may be adding things. it's been years now, and nearly everyday i dream up my hours and meetings with her. perhaps it's my long hours spent in the library but you cannot really stop me from annotating, revising, updating. i like to think that- because of that very fact- i offer accurate and spurious advice with no judgement, good and bad next to each other on the shelf. but my memories are not books. blessing if they were. then maybe someone would borrow one and keep it too long and return it, a little battered, offering money for my forgiveness, each memory new after its long absence. my memories are not books. they are only stories that i have been over so many times in my head that i don't know from one day to the next what's remembered and what's made up. like when you memorize a poem, and for one small unimportant part you supply your own words. the meaning's the same, the meter's identical. when you read the actual version you can never get it into your head that it's right and you're wrong. what i give is today's edition. tomorrow it may be different...

sorry. just trying to make sense of everything :)

in spite of the evident happiness, these troubling thoughts which lie under it all do linger on throughout the day. with a little faith, hopefully things will be fine. i'm telling these to myself every single moment in a bid to drag some peace into my life.

oh please don't cry...

we pieced puzzles today. she was kiddish. she was philosophical. she was physical drained. but i thought more than ever she was beautiful.

i thought what was magical about puzzles is that no matter how you try to force a piece to fit another, it will not stay. it takes that perfect other half. after repeated trial-and-errors or sometimes a single stroke of fate or chance, you complete them.

i can't seem to help much nowadays. thought all i could do was at least keep you company. night honey :)

walked on into the vegetation and there we saw a pond. a piece of the sky fallen onto the earth. so what do you do when the heavens fall apart?

it was a twilight zone. lifted up from wherever and whatever situations we were in, and thrown into an environment that had everything lacking. remember the time when we got lost and finally found our way back after 3 hours? we had a conversation that night.

jonathan: i was thinking i'd had died in there.

haiwei: conversations i had with my mom kept running through my mind. i think i'll have breakfast with her the first thing i touch down.

weikang: gosh. you sound like you're about to die.

remember what you said about the course that led to master philip's thumbs-up?

haiwei: i realised that it isn't about what we had gotten (the badge) at the very end of the course that matters. what matters are the things that we had right from the beginning and learning how to appreciate them. i thought this course was good. i thought even if i didn't had the badge, i stand in front of you a changed man, a more appreciative man.

let's not forget the times that precede the confidence course. you were made in charge of the heli-insertion mission. remember those times, yea?

alright that is it for now :)

a little longer and you'll realise you're on your way to some place far away. a little longer and you'll realise everything is about to change. a little longer and you'll realise how much all this is going to take from you. i had a little thought the other day and decided to divide my time to share it with different people. it's a pity. i'm left with a little more than 4 hours and it seems... oh wells. things never do go our way do they? :)

...

May it be an evening star,
Shines down upon you.
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh, how far you are from home

Mornié utúlié (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornié alantié (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be shadows call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Mornié utúlié (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornié alantié (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

A promise lives within you now

i'm just sorry for the things i've made it. it's never been the way i've always wanted it to be. but then again... who would have understood?

i am thankful for mom. it just says tonnes about how much people care for you from how they react. it ached my heart to detect her worries when i called and told her i needed to be sent home. but hey... it's all gonna be alright. i'll try to take care of myself next time. thanks mom :)